Thursday, 11 February 2016

Future Wife?

This is gonna be a hot topic in my blog since I have been hiding from telling people about this. So yeah, Im not gonna talk about any specific person, but it is gonna be specific criteria.

I know love is a blind thingy. We can never understood how people can fall love with each other. It is a very complicated matter and only Him can understand because He is the one who creates love.

I start with my (crazy) history,

There was one day that I was so emotional and crazy yet logical. I was thinking about what people told me if I wanna marry with someone. They gave me like full of page criteria that I need to meet.

“1. Independent
2. know how to cook
3. own a house
4. own a job

And the list goes until it full 2 sided pages of a paper.

I was like; ‘Wow, so many la. Memang aku tak kahwin la macam ni’. Eventually, I think I better let my dream be a dream. Yela, it is for sure I cant fulfil all those list before 30 which I can see (metaphorically) that the best age to marry is 30.

Then, here we go the calculation, if I marry at age 30, the earliest that I might possible to get a child is at 31. At time where my earliest child gets into university is when I’m almost 50 and almost retired. Let say, I allow my children to marry at age 30 as well, hence I only can be with my grandchildren is at age 60. Wow, 60 year old beb, and yes that is the first grandchild. How about the rest? Still worth it?

Then I go and check back the long list. I discover that the list is all about me. A better me (my initial guess). But when I go in detail for each list, I realize that the list is not about ‘a better me’, but ‘a perfect me’; a person who fulfils the objectives in term if dunya and hereafter. Wait, okay, let say that I will become ‘a perfect me’ when I become whatever in the list, why and why I need someone else and why I still need to live in this world? (sounds ego right?). Okay, try you imagine you have been at the best state as a human, yet you invite someone in your life which you don’t even know whether she will make your life is more perfect or make your life more miserable. Why I just don’t step back and not risky my so-called perfect life? It is still perfect and lovely right?

Several months later….

I did a mistake in my thought before. It is so simple.

I did not consider that I, myself is a human.

Then friend asked me, how did I can ‘balik ke pangkal jalan’? (lol). I said, it was because of Him.

He taught me something that only Him can teach. It was all about feeling and heart.

In the midst of my busy life, He didn’t send a cyclone or hurricane or any earthquake, but he just sent me a ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’ feeling.

One question.

Who else than me that can feel the ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’? Nobody else except Him, the sender.

Initially, it started when I first did a mistake to people and made them annoyed of me. It made my confidence level crushed down to earth. I had no confidence at all during that time. Then, I started to think that I’m a problem bringer not a problem solver. Until it comes to the climax where I think I’m such a loser and useless. What a loser do? They did nothing because of no confidence in themselves.

Did I realize that? Yes I did.

So I planned something ahead to get something going on. Then here came the worst part, the plan was fail and I thought I was a total loser. I started to overthink about people. I felt so lonely because first I tried to be away from much people scaring that I will only bring problems, secondly, I didn’t think people need me anymore.

Ok plan B.

I planned everything that I can to show to the world that I can be independent without a single hand from others. I tried everything alone, from studying, applying job and etc. Unfortunately, everything turned up to be worse that I can ever imagined. Here came the worst combination; ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’.

Is depress is real? Yes

Is depress is hurtful? Yes, it is damn hurt. It is like an invisible cancer which only the patient can notice.

Only then, I sat and thought. Did I do mistake anywhere? Did I do something wrong?

The answer is yes. I was too ego back there.

To cut the story, I would like kindly advice parents out there, please and please redefine the checklist. Although, it seems reasonable and practical to make your children to have all those properties and money. But too extreme teaching about that will make your children materialistic and ego.

Fuhh. That was a long story.

Okay, actually this is the content of the post.
Prophet said that if you wanna marry a girl, check these 4 things; family, wealth, beauty and religion (this is not the proper arrangement, some scholar said that these four criteria was spoken in intended arrangement showing the priority).

That’s true.

In addition, my life (in the long story) taught me to not search for the perfect woman. But find someone who can bravely and patiently improves together with you. Someone who can see your potential, not your achievement, your attitude, not your altitude.

Not the perfect woman.

But the perfect one.