Future Wife?

This is gonna be a hot topic in my blog since I have been hiding from telling people about this. So yeah, Im not gonna talk about any specific person, but it is gonna be specific criteria.

I know love is a blind thingy. We can never understood how people can fall love with each other. It is a very complicated matter and only Him can understand because He is the one who creates love.

I start with my (crazy) history,

There was one day that I was so emotional and crazy yet logical. I was thinking about what people told me if I wanna marry with someone. They gave me like full of page criteria that I need to meet.

“1. Independent

2. know how to cook

3. own a house

4. own a job

……”

And the list goes until it full 2 sided pages of a paper.

I was like; ‘Wow, so many la. Memang aku tak kahwin la macam ni’. Eventually, I think I better let my dream be a dream. Yela, it is for sure I cant fulfil all those list before 30 which I can see (metaphorically) that the best age to marry is 30.

Then, here we go the calculation, if I marry at age 30, the earliest that I might possible to get a child is at 31. At time where my earliest child gets into university is when I’m almost 50 and almost retired. Let say, I allow my children to marry at age 30 as well, hence I only can be with my grandchildren is at age 60. Wow, 60 year old beb, and yes that is the first grandchild. How about the rest? Still worth it?

Then I go and check back the long list. I discover that the list is all about me. A better me (my initial guess). But when I go in detail for each list, I realize that the list is not about ‘a better me’, but ‘a perfect me’; a person who fulfils the objectives in term if dunya and hereafter. Wait, okay, let say that I will become ‘a perfect me’ when I become whatever in the list, why and why I need someone else and why I still need to live in this world? (sounds ego right?). Okay, try you imagine you have been at the best state as a human, yet you invite someone in your life which you don’t even know whether she will make your life is more perfect or make your life more miserable. Why I just don’t step back and not risky my so-called perfect life? It is still perfect and lovely right?

Several months later….

I did a mistake in my thought before. It is so simple.

I did not consider that I, myself is a human.

Then friend asked me, how did I can ‘balik ke pangkal jalan’? (lol). I said, it was because of Him.

He taught me something that only Him can teach. It was all about feeling and heart.

In the midst of my busy life, He didn’t send a cyclone or hurricane or any earthquake, but he just sent me a ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’ feeling.

One question.

Who else than me that can feel the ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’? Nobody else except Him, the sender.

Initially, it started when I first did a mistake to people and made them annoyed of me. It made my confidence level crushed down to earth. I had no confidence at all during that time. Then, I started to think that I’m a problem bringer not a problem solver. Until it comes to the climax where I think I’m such a loser and useless. What a loser do? They did nothing because of no confidence in themselves.

Did I realize that? Yes I did.

So I planned something ahead to get something going on. Then here came the worst part, the plan was fail and I thought I was a total loser. I started to overthink about people. I felt so lonely because first I tried to be away from much people scaring that I will only bring problems, secondly, I didn’t think people need me anymore.

Ok plan B.

I planned everything that I can to show to the world that I can be independent without a single hand from others. I tried everything alone, from studying, applying job and etc. Unfortunately, everything turned up to be worse that I can ever imagined. Here came the worst combination; ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’.

Is depress is real? Yes

Is depress is hurtful? Yes, it is damn hurt. It is like an invisible cancer which only the patient can notice.

Only then, I sat and thought. Did I do mistake anywhere? Did I do something wrong?

The answer is yes. I was too ego back there.

To cut the story, I would like kindly advice parents out there, please and please redefine the checklist. Although, it seems reasonable and practical to make your children to have all those properties and money. But too extreme teaching about that will make your children materialistic and ego.

Fuhh. That was a long story.

Okay, actually this is the content of the post.

Prophet said that if you wanna marry a girl, check these 4 things; family, wealth, beauty and religion (this is not the proper arrangement, some scholar said that these four criteria was spoken in intended arrangement showing the priority).

That’s true.

In addition, my life (in the long story) taught me to not search for the perfect woman. But find someone who can bravely and patiently improves together with you. Someone who can see your potential, not your achievement, your attitude, not your altitude.

Not the perfect woman.

But the perfect one. 

Gagal

Aku nak bercerita tentang satu benda yang mungkin tak pernah sangka dalam kehidupan ini. Benda ini ialah kegagalan. Aku tau yang aku, kau dan kita semua tak pernah melukis kehidupan kita untuk gagal. Setiap daripada kita berharap yang dialah student nombor satu dalam kelas dan dialah yang paling pandai bermain dalam segala genap aspek. Tak pernah ada satu manusia atas muka bumi Allah ni yang meletakkan tujuan dia untuk gagal dalam hidup ni. Tapi, kita sebagai manusia takkan sedar dan takkan tau apa yang Allah dah pelan untuk kita pada masa depan.

Enough said about happiness and victory, dalam post ini aku akan terang dan share apa yang mungkin patut buat dan reflect bila kita dalam kegagalan.

Perkataan gagal boleh diterangkan dalam banyak aspek. Gagal yang aku maksudkan dalam karangan ni ialah satu keadaan yang kita tak Berjaya capai apa yang kita dah pelan dan kita rasa kita dah kalah.

Kalau sesiapa yang pernah rasa gagal, gagal ni rasa dia bukan macam pahit camtu. Ni lagi teruk daripada pahit sebab pahit tu rasa dia sekejap je. Gagal ni macam kita rasa pahit jugak tapi kita rasa pahit tu sepanjang masa. Gagal ni confirm akan ganggu psikologi kita dan mood kita. Rasa kita ni the absoloute loser. Rasa kita tak ada harapan lagi dah sebab kita ni hanya bawak masalah kat kawan kita. Rasa gagal ni jugak rasa macam kita tak belong to any part of life. Kita akan rasa macam kalau kita mati sekarang, confirm tak ada orang sedar pun. Lebih kurang camtu la rasa gagal tu.

Percaya atau tidak, gagal itu sebenarnya bukan realiti. Sebab perkataan gagal tu hanya akan datang bila kita tak capai apa yang kita inginkan daripada kerja yang dah buat. Soalan pertama yang kita kena cek, siapa je yang kat atas dunia ni yang tau kita tengah gagal? Percaya atau tak, sebenarnya hanya kita sorang je tau yang kita tengah gagal.

Kemudian, percaya atau tak, gagal tu hanya la mainan otak ataupun aku boleh cakap halusinasi untuk kita capai pelan tindakan kita.

Bagi aku cara untuk kita overcome benda ni ialah first pergi ke someone yang kita tau dia akan dengar kita punya complaint dari A ke Z, someone yang reply secepat mungkin (sebab emosi orang yang gagal tak stabil masa ni dan dia tend to overthink over time), someone yang akan sentiasa ulang yang kita ada potensi untuk kekal hidup dan terus melangkah dan someone yang boleh buat gelak. Kenapa first solution ialah external sebab internal kita tengah tak stabil dan cubaan kita untuk stabilkan benda yang tak stabil ketika kita tak stabil ibarat orang yang sesat lagi menyesatkan. Hahaha.

Second, orang yang gagal tersebut perlu pergi ke masalah yang menyebabkan dia gagal. Make friend with the problem so that we know that actually the problem isn’t a problem at all. It was a stepping stone and actually a friend of ours.

Nasihat aku kepada semua, kalau korang rasa ada kawan korang yang nampak lain macam tu cuba tegur dan sebut

“Are you okay?”

Walaupun ini nampak simple, tapi effect kepada someone sangat besar dan mampu sedikit sebanyak tolong orang yang tengah gagal tadi.

To all failures out there, I know that you are experiencing the toughest route you have ever walked. But believe me, you will find something surprise at the end of it. I once, found out that the person that 

I hated most, talked to me and asked?

“Hey, are you okay?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Untuk pengetahuan semua, aku dah decide nak buat satu perubahan besar dalam kehidupan aku. 

Kalau korang rasa nak pilih antara MacDonald dan KFC tu susah. Yang ni lagi susah. Aku fikir lama gak la tentang benda ni. Setelah beberapa minggu, aku tekad untuk buat benda ni; aku nak tukar dari Nikon ke Canon.

Tapi, aku tengah tak de buyer untuk camera lama aku. Sob. Sob.sob.

Insyallah aku akan ke canon selepas aku dapat jual set Nikon aku. Doa – doa la dipermudahkan. 

Long Term Effect Program

Aku tertarik pada salah satu soalan yang dilontarkan oleh salah seorang peserta AGM Kelab UMNO pada beberapa hari yang lepas. 

Soalannya berbunyi begini;

" Kelab dan persatuan sekarang selalu menganjurkan program dan aktiviti yang hanya mempunyai kesan pada jangka masa yang pendek. Apakah pendapat anda untuk anda menyelesaikan masalah tersebut?"

Sebelum aku memberi komentar terhadap perkara ini, aku suka untuk tidak meletakkan sebarang judge aku terhadap perkara tersebut kerana ianya akan mengurangkan sebarang kebarangkalian untuk aku melihat sesuatu perkara daripada sudut yang berlainan. Memahami sesuatu perkara daripada sudut berlainan membolehkan aku untuk terus tidak bias yang akhirnya menghalang aku untuk terus memahami perkara tersebut dengan lebih telus. 

Dalam sebuah persatuan, terdapat beberapa matlamat yang telah ditetapkan oleh penganjur untuk setiap aktiviti yang dilakukan. Ada kalanya aktiviti itu mempunyai matlamat jangka pendek dan ada kalanya mempunyai mempunyai matlamat jangka pendek. Ada kalanya juga persatuan dan kelab ini membuat sesuatu aktiviti seperti tiada matlamat. Namun demikian, persatuan ini bukan tidak meletakkan sebarang matlamat, tetapi mereka meletakkan matlamat itu pada peserta itu sendiri dan mereka ini hanya meyediakan platform. Ada juga terdapat aktiviti yang bermatlamatkan 'sparkling'. Aktiviti seperti ini bukan untuk memberi tetapi untuk membuka. Membuka mata dan hati agar peserta lebih tertarik untuk melakukan sesuatu perkara yang bermanfaat.

Daripada sudut mata peserta, aku suka untuk menekankan salah satu hadith yang penting dalam hidup kita iaitu hadith niat. Hadith ini menceritakan tentang result atau hasil yang kita akan dapat ialah berdasarkan niat yang kita telah tetapkan sebelum kita melakukan sesuatu perkara. Maka ada pun satu aktiviti itu kelihatan kecil dan mempunyai matlamat yang pendek, namun jika niat peserta untuk datang membuat networking antara peserta, maka aku boleh katakan itu ialah matlamat jangka masa panjang. Selain itu, ada juga situasi di mana peserta itu sebenarnya menyertai sesuatu aktiviti itu sebagai satu bahagian daripada satu proses untuk mencapai matlamat yang besar. 

Tapi apa yang terbaik ialah aktiviti yang mempunyai kesemua aspek di atas sebentar tadi. Aktiviti ini tidak perlukan duit dan tenaga, tapi ia perlukan hati. Aktiviti ini mampu dilakukan oleh semua orang tanpa external penganjur, tapi ia perlukan internal penganjur. 

Penganjur itu ialah diri kita dan akitiviti itu ialah persahabatan. 

=D

Post AGM session

AGM ialah satu kata nama Annual Grand Meeting yang dianjurkan oleh semua kelab dan persatuan dimana kelab tersebut akan membentangkan laporan kewangan dan aktiviti. Dalam majlis ini juga, pemimpin baru juga akan dipilih oleh ahli kelab tersebut. 

Pada pengamatan aku, ada beberapa jenis pemimpin pelajar pada zaman sekarang. Ada yang jenis goal driven, Ada yang jenis mengulangi kembali activity yang pernah dilakukan oleh komiti - komiti yang terdahulu dan ada juga penyelesai masalah dimana mereka akan menganalisa kondisi setempat dan mengeluarkan solusi ataupun alternatif kepada masalah tersebut. Untuk pemimpin yang 'goal driven' based, mereka ini telah menetapkan matlamat dan objektif untuk mereka sendiri dan untuk kumpulannya. Mereka ini akan mengulang - ulang dan berusaha untuk menyakini orang sekeliling mereka terhadap kebaikan matlamat dan objektif mereka. Ada pula pemimpin yang hanya mengulang kembali aktiviti yang pernah dilakukan oleh pemimpin sebelum mereka. Tidak lupa pula pada pemimpin yang menyelesaikan masalah. Mereka ini sedikit sahaja atas dunia ini. Anugerah kebarangkalian. 

Pada pandangan manusia lain, ada yang mengatakan bahawa pemimpin yang pandai yang menyelesaikan masalah itulah yang terbaik sebab ia mampu untuk menjadikan bumi ini menjadi lebih baik. Ada juga yang mengatakan bahawa pemimpin yang bermatlamat itulah yang terbaik kerana seorang pemimpin perlu mempunyai matlamat yang jelas. Hal ini menyebabkan pandangan orang terhadap pemimpin yang ikut pemimpin sebelum ini seperti pemimpin lemah yang tidak mampu untuk berbuat sebarang kebaikan pada masyarakat.

Pada hemat aku, aku katakan antara mereka ini, yang terbaik ialah bukanlah pada perkataan yang menyifatkan pemimpin itu, tetapi perkataan pemimpin itulah yang menyebakan mereka semua ini terbaik tidak kira bagaimana sifat dan cara mereka memimpin sekali pun. 

Untuk menjadi pemimpin ini perlu ada beberapa perkara dan sifat supaya kita tidak tersungkur di tengah - tengah jalan. Perkara yang utama ialah pemimpin perlu seorang yang mempunyai visi dan misi tentang hidup yang jelas. Maka oleh yang demikian, pemimpin ialah seorang yang mampu untuk mengubah dan merangka masa depannya. Perancangan yang tidak berjalan adalah sia - sia. Maka lahirlah satu keperluan untuk pemimpin mempunyai kebolehan untuk melaksanakan segala perancangan yang telah ia fikirkan. Sifat - sifat pemimpin ini tidak hanya putus di sini sahaja, tetapi ia ditambah dengan sifat - sifat lain yang positif.

Jika perenggan - perenggan atas dibaca dengan teliti, deskripsi ini seperti aku menceritakan mengenai orang lain bukan? 

Aku sebenarnya bukan bercerita tentang mana - mana pemimpin atas bumi ini, tetapi aku bercerita tentang KAMU. Ye, aku bercerita tentang KAMU.

Kamu yang aku maksudkan ialah seorang manusia yang mempunyai masa yang sama, hak yang sama dan peluang yang sama. Seorang manusia mempunyai visi dan misi yang jelas. Sebagai contoh, seorang pelajar universiti, dia percaya bahawa dia perlu untuk melepasi satu halangan pointer untuk dia berjaya dalam kehidupan sebagai seorang pelajar. Seorang manusia secara kebiasaannya mempunyai  kekuatan yang sama dan kekuatan inilah yang akan membolehkan seorang manusia untuk 'walk the talk'. 

Kamu dan aku ialah pemimpin. 

Pemimpin untuk diri sendiri. 

Myself

There is one thing that I never understood; myself. 

"I only know several things about myself and a lot of them are physical appearance. In my life, I never attended a class on how to know myself emotionally plus people always say emotional is just only one more barrier between you and your objective. On top of that, nowadays people tend to play with your emotional so that they can get absolute benefits from you and don't forget that emotional only will make you miserable and messed up."

I once believed that emotional is such a like this thing, gives harm without leaving single benefits. It is such a horrible thing. I don't believe such love and concern. The reason I felt so was because people ask you about your academic results and your achievements in your life. People will never ever ask about your family and your feeling. People treat feeling as a personal matter and all problems associated with feeling is that person's faults whatever the causes are. If you see it as a horrible thing, believe me this is the real world. A world which full with humans without humanity. The only important thing is achievement. That's it!

The most horrible thing about my thought was I tend to have problems with the closest friend which I shared most of my stories and secrets .The problem usually will end up in a bad manner. Therefore, I had once decided that I don't want to have close friend anymore. Let my stories lied in me and perhaps no one will never know it and let friend becomes only academic friend. 

However, someone did succeed changing my thought. I never thought that I did change easily. I completely changed my mind.

We exchanged most of our stories including our secrets which I rarely do. I did totally convert my personal view of life in a better way. I saw life as a difficult place to live but yet colorful. A same easy - happy life will lead to a boring life. The only job as a human that we need to do is to get through all hardships with patient and hope from Him. Mistake is a normal thing because we learn heaps from mistake as we never forgot major mistake that we had done. 

Last but not least, as I said before, life is not always about happy life and my experience about close friend. I had severe problems with this person as well. 

What we will do when having errors with computer? reset right? Hence, I decide to reset my thoughts about all those things. I'm not a good person and I'm not capable enough to have good friends. I believe that people only get benefits from me when I'm a stranger to them and not friends. 

To you my friends, sorry for my mistakes.

2015 introduction

2015 has started and it has been almost 3 months since the first day of it. 

So the first thing I wanna share with you is that I'm taking chemical thermodynamics which is one of the scariest name in engineering subjects. Vocals in this subject are T, P, V, U and H. Temperature. Pressure. Volume. Enthalpy. Energy. Heat. Entropy. Like seriously, you will be suffered if I list out all the terms. What beautiful (pronounce; difficult) about this subject is those listed terms above are interrelated with each other and it will be like the most complicated thing you have ever seen. Engineers only can assume it in term of departure function, ideal condition and real condition. Anyhow, real is not gonna be 100% real because it does not consider the non-engineering terms like the wind, trees shadow and etc. A lot of assumptions are made before any calculations take place. Means, there are several things are not considered in the calculations because it will make the calculations are more complicated.

.....but things happen in that complicated way. It just make me so curious.

Secondly, I went to a shutting-down-BP oil refinery. It was a heat transfer field trip. I just can't describe everything in here, but what everyone can see and observe in a big oil refinery is massive metallic silver tanks and vessels. The first thing came in my mind when I read about distillation column was like the refinery will be not so big because there will be only a few reactions happen (2 reactions = 6 tanks/ vessels (reaction, products raw materials tanks)), but the reality is the other way. There were numerous tanks, vessels, pipes and valves and majority of the huge tanks and vessels were for the heat transfer process. Company won't send their products at 600 degree Celsius. Definitely they will cool it down to the ambient temperature so that it will be easy to be handled and transported. 

The previous paragraph tells you about the heat transfer of the oil refinery. But how about the heat transfer of our body and earth itself, we know from the primary school that the temperature of our body is maintained at 37 degree Celsius and 2 degree higher than that will give fever to us. It just awesome isn't? Our body maintains body temperature at the right temperature though the surrounding temperature fluctuates from one temperature to another temperature. 

Next in the line is about decision. Thing that always plays looping in my mind is about my life decision. I learned that despite anything happened in our life, do make your own decision though things get rough.

Why? 

So that you won't regret in future. 

So that you can blame on yourself only.

So that you can tell people; "It is my choice"

One said to me, 'after all, we just a number to them'

but I'm not, I don't want to be number...

I wanna be flower. White Rose.

Borneo time

Recently, I went to east of my country which consists of two states, Sabah and Sarawak. Sometimes we call it as Borneo. Whatever it is, it still in Malaysia. Down under the both states, lies Kalimantan. I spent about 2 weeks over there to see and observe the culture and uniqueness of their people. In term of culture and people, they have various races which are different with the peninsular Malaysia. For example, peninsular is famous with 3 major races, Chinese, Indians and Malays though there is presence of java linkage however it does not show much difference on these races. On the other hand, in Sarawak itself, they have like Melanau, Iban and Orang Ulu while in Sabah, there are Kadazan, Dusun and several others which I forget their names.

The journey from KLIA 2 to Kuching took almost 2 hours by Air Asia flight. Why Air Asia? Because it was the cheapest compared to the other flight fares. But in my view, if you are able to fly with Malindo, please do that. It is more comfort and worth. We spent only 3 days in Kuching due to nothing-ness in Kuching. Well, that was my friend’s. For me, it is a good place to stay for those loves peaceful place. No traffic jam and Kuching folks still have good manners on the roadway. Kind of like in oversea. We did nothing much in Kuching, just wondering and browsing around. First advice, don’t go to Damai beach, it is overrated place. Culture village is a must-go-place (don’t forget to bring local university student ID to get concession ticket for MYR15, while oversea student ID for MYR30). The village is just opposite the Damai Beach. To get there, renting a car is a must because it is situated about 50 km from the Kuching city. Then, there are several other interesting activities such as caving, trekking, hiking and bowling. During the night, I would like to suggest Topspot food court. It is on the UTC building. It was pretty hard to find for the first timer, so it is suggested to search UTC building in google map instead of Topspot food court. They served seafood in which there are a lot. After choosing the seafood, then we can choose whatever type of cook that we want. Mine was Thai style and oyster style.  They were superb and very fast. On the bad side, Kuching was never meant for a city boy. They still have mall but a small one. Don’t expect to see second Mid Valley Mall in Kuching. All in all, it was still a nice place to go.

Before I forgot, make sure go to any cake house to buy ‘Kek Lapis’.

After 3 days in Kuching city, we packed our bags and made our steps to airport. Due to big size of Sarawak state, the journey from Kuching to Kota Kinabalu took one and a half hour. It was quite long for me because I had flight from Brisbane to Sydney and it only took 1 hour.

Here comes the real journey…

1^st day in Sabah wasn’t a big deal. We had the chance to tour the city and had dinner in one of the seafood stalls. We spent several days later in house watching movies and dramas. The real Sabah visit came when we made our way to Kundasang. It wasn’t so far from Kota Kinabalu. I could say 2-3 hours journey from Kota Kinabalu without any traffic difficulties. Unfortunately, due to expanding technology and city, traffic jam could not be avoided and it was like one in federal highway to Kuala Lumpur. In Kundasang, we went straight away went to Kinabalu park. The fee for the trekking till Layang – layang hut was MYR5 for Malaysians and might be more for foreigners. It was 4km trekking with about 1000m ascending. We took 4 hours to finish the trekking. We didn’t plan to go up to the mountain because it had to be booked early and the fee itself is about MYR500. Thus it needs a well-prepared planning. The other place that we did go was Poring Hot Water. Actually it did only have hot water, but a swimming pool, 2 waterfall track, canopy walk (MYR3 fee and MYR5 for a camera) and Ladang kupu – kupu. Next on the list, Ladang New Zealand (New Zealand Park). It was like a farm in New Zealand with polka dots (white black) cows. The best thing was that my friends were studying in New Zealand, thus nothing to be impressed of because they could see the original scenery in their places and I bet it is much more beautiful compared the one in Malaysia. Bhahaha.  One more thing, just my personal advice, please careful when driving because sometimes the fog can be very thick and limit the driver’s sight distance.

In my person view, what makes Sabah differs with Sarawak is the nature. Sabah has a lot of things to see like the beautiful reef in Manukan Island, Semporna, Mount Kinabalu and several others. They also have more advanced malls. But in term of manner, Sarawakians win. In overall, it is subjective thing and it depends on the environment and culture itself. 

*akhirnya, habis jugak checklist pergi melawat semua negeri di Malaysia.

**kalau nak pegi lagi sabah sarawak, pastikan ada tour guide dr negeri tu sendiri untuk elak daripada ditipu oleh orang tempatan. orang tempatan selalu akan dapat barang murah lagi daripada orang semenanjung dengan oranng oversea

***will update for pics